LMAO
by Hayasaka.Shion
Summary: All those speculations about certain characters are proved to be fact and sometimes myth... CH 9: What the hell is Grimmjow so doing, asking the rookies the same question, and then firing off cero's at them?
1. Nnoitra

Neliel Tu Odershvank barely suppressed a giggle and received death glares from the other Espadas and one ex-captain who had gathered at Nnoitra's meager quarters. Nnoitra himself was asleep and out cold on an absurdly long bed that was specially made to cater to his absurdly long stature. All those gathered made their absolute best efforts to keep the noise down- with somewhat satisfactory results.

Szayel Aporro Granz inwardly sighed. Somehow this operation that should have remained between Ichimaru Gin and himself had spread like wildfire and all the other Espadas, ones that he wouldn't have even expected to have an interest in the topic, had wanted to join in. Most of them used their rank over him and the ones that couldn't made Ichimaru use his rank over Szayel.

Right now they were all standing in a circle around Nnoitra Jiruga's bed, huddling close together. There was a sort of spirit amongst them that, for just this moment at least, linked them together-it was a fire, a fire for knowledge.

"Well? Which one of you's gonna do it?" asked Grimmjow Jaggerjacques, in a hoarse whisper. He was on Nnoitra's right side, and fortunately for them, Nnoitra slept on his back. All the Espadas looked at each other; they had all just assumed that someone else was going to do that which they had come for. "C'mon you all, som'body can do it," said Ichimaru Gin with his Kansai accent, "Why doncha do it, Grimmy?" Grimmjow scowled at the nickname and stepped back. He wanted to see the result, but he was not going to take part in it for his life.

_Oh, what the hell, _thought Szayel, and said "I'll do it." Everybody visibly relaxed. None of them had wanted to help, they were just here to watch. "Yeah, go for it, Zel-zel!" Ichimaru said. Szayel also scowled at the nickname and brought his very lightly trembling fingers that he steadied as best as he could, he reached forward… to Nnoitra's teeth… so close, so close…

And suddenly there was the sound of a single melancholy note played in a piano.

Everybody jumped back, scarcely able to contain the looks of incredulity on their faces. Even Starrk had his eyes wide and open. "Well, shit…" Grimmjow said,

"_**HE REALLY DOES HAVE PIANO TEETH!" **_


	2. Harribel

"Please? Pleeeease?" asked Ichimaru Gin, with a (failed) attempt at puppy dog eyes. Ridiculous, his eyes were always three-quarter-lidded, so what was the point? "No, for the last time, no!" replied Szayel Aporro, showing the first signs of losing his cool. The Ichimaru fool had been pestering him all through his daily schedule. "I'll let you experiment on my clothes!" Ichimaru offered.

A pause. The great scientist faltered.

Even discarded, clothes would be a very valuable source of information… and to top it off, _Ichimaru's _clothes… ooooh, Szayel was practically salivating and moaning in ecstasy at the thought. A once-in-ten-lifetimes chance.

Ichimaru took this as a good sign, and ignoring the way he was plunging off a cliff to certain death, said "One experiment. Anywhere on me you like." The reply was instant:

'Done deal.'

Gin jumped for joy (somehow managing to ignore the way he had so heroically (pah) dug his own grave). "Okay then! Let's contact everybody!" Szayel watched, amused, as the ex-shinigami padded over to the door in his lab which said: TO BE LEFT UNTOUCHED FOR SEVEN CENTURIES, pulled out a purple-pink test tube from its holder. Ignoring Szayel's cries of bloody murder, Ichimaru watched on as a panel in the ceiling slipped aside and made way for a telephone probably used in the Victorian Era. He rapidly spun the dial a few times and the panel closed, taking the telephone with it.

"What the Hell… did you do… to my… my beautiful… MY BEAUTIFUL LABORATORY?" Szayel screamed, seeing red.

His anger quickly changed to astonishment as yet another panel opened up in the ceiling by itself, only this time, instead of a telephone, there fell out Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Tesla, Starrk and finally Lilynette.

Okay, that was it. He wasn't even going to be surprised at whatever happened from now on.

Nnoitra was snickering. "Great experiment, Ichimaru. But it sure beats me how you got gay little Szayel to participate in it." Ichimaru brought forth the torrents of pride and began a tale a tale in which no one could catch anything except "I, being the selfless hero I am…"

"Okay, shut up. I propose we make haste and complete the goal_. I have something to look forward to, alright? _So be good and do cooperate." Szayel said, "Entrance into Tia Harribel's chambers is crucial to this mission, and hence we must get rid of her Fraccion first. Any ideas how to do that?"

Nnoitra spoke up. "Tesla can take care of the Mila Rose woman. She's got a thing for him, it seems…" he trailed off, snickering. Tesla blushed, but did not speak up. "I'll deal with Sun-Sun. She often gives me lessons to increase my 'charisma'. I can call her over to Starrk's place." Lilynette piped up, pleased with herself to be of use to the mission.

"That leaves Apache… any ideas to deal with her?" Szayel questioned. No one spoke up, and he did not expect them to. The Apache woman had never been very close to anyone except Harribel. He was going to have to take matters into his own hands. "I'll deal with her," he said. "You? How can _you _do that? I bet she doesn't even know your name, you ass!" said Nnoitra and Lilynette, in perfect unison, and then they glared daggers at each other. Szayel repressed all the annoyance that had and was building up inside him at an alarming rate, and like the good Samaritan he was, smirked and said, "You leave that to me. I assure you I will not fail."

The appointed people all set off though the hole in the ceiling to do their appointed jobs.

Szayel preferred the front door.

Tesla walked quietly through the long hallways that led to Harribel's room. If he was lucky, he would meet Mila Rose along the way- and then maybe invite her for a walk among the sand dunes. There were better places to take a woman, he admitted, but all of them would mean Mila Rose would be near at hand to help Harribel should anything occur- and something definitely was going to occur. In the end he decided to take the chance and take her to his room, where, if you looked out the widow, you would see several flowering plants growing in an artificially temperature controlled environment.

Well, luck was in his favor. Here was Mila Rose walking along… but she was with Apache. Tesla frowned. Wasn't Szayel Aporro supposed to take care of her? Maybe Szayel was still looking for her… that seemed far more probable.

Tesla was by no means a ladies' man, and neither was he a self-confident one. He nervously walked up to the couple. Mila Rose saw him and thanked the gods for her dark skin, which hid her blushes.

"Huh? What's with the blush? You ain't got a thing for him, have you?" Apache questioned, in a half-ridiculing manner.

Before Mila Rose could answer, the graceful form of Szayel Aporro appeared behind them. "Oh? So you're Apache. Come with me, please. I have something that will interest you," Szayel said, with a curious, half-lidded expression that made Apache all the more curious.

In a few more minutes, Apache was off with Szayel and a blushing Mila Rose with a blushing Tesla.

Though Szayel and Tesla had had luck on their respective sides in their missions, it was not proving so for Lilynette, who found Sun-Sun basking in the sunlight that filtered through a thin curtain. "Sun-Sun- uh, would you come to Starrk's room with me?" asked Lilynette. Though she would not have admitted it for the world, the Anaconda woman had always made Lilynette feel insecure- those long, wafting strands of hair, that demure expression- Lilynette envied her enormously.

"Why, may I ask? Has the Primera Espada himself deigned to summon me?" Sun-Sun asked. Her eyes belied not one bit of the curiosity she felt. "Uh, well, I was thinking, you know, tomorrow is, well, Starrk's… um… the day Starrk… uh, stayed awake for three hours straight. So, uh, I wanted it to be well, different, like get him a present or something? And I can't do that if I'm, well, coarse. Like now." Lilynette said. _Oh, you bumbling idiot, _she thought of herself. "Oh? Is that so? Can you not buy one yourself, Lilynette?"

Now they were getting on ground Lilynette had trampled upon, though lightly. Lilynette did not know it, but she was a born flatterer. "I'm not as ladylike as you are, Sun-Sun. Really, I envy you. You're just so perfect. I wish I was more like you. I bet you get hundreds of admirers from all over Las Noches, don't you? That's why it has to be you!" "It has to be me, you say?" though slightly flattered, Sun-Sun was still an Anaconda. "What do I get in return?" she asked slyly. "You get Starrk's gratitude," said Lilynette, a serious expression on her face, "and a ten free passes to McDonalds," "Is that so? Then I suppose I have no choice..." she said nonchalantly. Inwardly she was crying: _McDonalds! Oh, my love, how long has it been? A BigMac with a big Cola and French Fries… and two ice cream cones, to boot…_

They set off. Lilynette couldn't help noticing the slight trickle of drool trailing down Sun-Sun's chin.

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, we come ta the heart of da matter!" said Ichimaru, speaking through the discreet microphones Szayel had supplied everyone on the mission with. "I'm sorry, Tesla, Lilynette, you won't be able ta see the epic secret of all time, revealed ta be fact- or maybe myth? And anyways, Lilynette, little children shouldn't see such things. Tesla, we'll take a video for ya, so rest easy. Is everyone else in Tia Harribel's chambers?" Since there were no negatives voiced, Ichimaru Gin assumed they were. Harribel herself was on a desk, reading through a sheaf of papers. Ichimaru thanked the heavens for the reiatsu-cloaking devices Szayel had, again, supplied them with. There was Szayel, now, he was slowly pushing aside some thick curtains and creeping up behind Harribel, a white cloth soaked with what was probably chloroform… and… BINGO! He brought it down hard on Harribel's face, and even if she was the third Espada, there was no way she could take a surprise attack like that, and to top it off, it was _impossible _for her to fight against a scientist motivated by the thought of new research material, indeed, it was impossible.

After a few minutes of futile struggle, Harribel slumped down and into unconsciousness, Szayel held the cloth to her face for a few more minutes, to make sure she wasn't acting to get the element of surprise on her side. When he was sure, he took off the cloth, and Nnoitra pushed open the door of a damn cupboard, where he had folded himself _most _uncomfortably. Starrk had been… well taking a nap… under the bed, so all of them had to pull him out and even slap him a few times. Ichimaru had been using the Bending Light kidou to hide himself, but when he dismissed it, he was in plain sight for all to see. Grimmjow had been on top of the cupboard in which Nnoitra had been, and it was a wonder how he hadn't gotten discovered.

Szayel laid Harribel on her bed, and they all crowded around it. There was no need for whispers this time. "Well, hurry up!" someone said. Nnoitra was holding a video camera to record the experiment to Tesla could later see it. "I refuse to take part in this disrespectful and uncouth act. Do it yourself," said the scientist, hardly able to think straight in his excitement of experimenting on Ichimaru Gin. "Very well. I guess I gotta do it. Move aside." Ichimaru said. There was the sound of a zip being unzipped as Ichimaru did the mentioned act.

"Sh-Shit…" someone gasped out, "It's a dream! A dream, I tell you! A man's hard pressed to find ones as good as these on a fighting woman!"

They all went home, satisfied, now that they could be sure that Harribel's breasts were real.

Ichimaru, on the other hand, was not so pleased when he found himself waking up the next morning with needles and tubes stuck all over his face, and a computer screen that said: EXPERIMENT ONE: LIPS FOUND TO BE FROZEN IN A GRIN ON ICHIMARU GIN'S FACE.


	3. Aizen

**A/N: So, as requested by the awesome reviewer Irah, this time the women get the men. Enjoy!**

****

The room was barely furnished, almost Spartan. There was a round table and a few chairs around it, a small plant in the corner, and there was nothing else. At the moment, the sole occupants were Harribel's three Fraccion and also Harribel herself. "Harribel-sama! That is an awesome plan! As expected of you, Harribel-sama!" yelled Apache and Mila Rose. Sun-Sun stayed silent, but the other three people had seen enough of her and knew her well enough to know that she was excited as much as they were. "All right, now that we have a Plan, let's get all the women in Las Noches here!" said a very much hyped up Apache.

"…"

"Who _are _the women in Las Noches? We can't be the only ones here!"

"Well, there's… what's her name again… yeah, Nel. Neliel Tu Odershvank. Remember her? Nnoitra's girlfriend?"

Everyone nodded.

"Right, who will take responsibility for bringing her here?" said Harribel, with as much dignity as a woman who has been chloroformed and disgraced and abused and had her breasts peeked at (the white haired captain was a child, it didn't matter what he had seen) could muster.

Sun-Sun raised her hand. She was rather curious what kind of a woman Nnoitra's girlfriend could be. Obviously, she'd have to be as tall as the Eiffel tower… and maybe her hair was gelled into a fork shape. Then the couple would call themselves 'Spoon and Fork' and their child's hair would be in the shape of a knife… hee hee, a knife… and then they'd be the Culinary Accessories Family. Sun-Sun inwardly giggled.

"Very well then. Sun-Sun is in charge of delivering the message to Neliel Tu Odershvank." said the third Espada. "And who else is a female in Las Noches?"

They all almost yelled out 'Ggio Vega!' in unison, but stopped themselves in time. This was a very serious matter. Harribel-sama's privacy had been breached!

"There's the prisoner from the Human World…" Mila Rose spoke up, "I know she's a prisoner, but she _is _a woman. We can use her."

"I don't see any problem in that. You can get her here, Mila Rose," said Harribel.

"So? Who else?" said an impatient Mila Rose, who was always one for leaping before she looked.

"Well, there's Lilynette, Loly, and Menoly. And I think that's all," said Sun-Sun, who was being unusually contributive today. None of them realized that the reason was that nine of the ten passes Sun-Sun had received were already used up, and they also did not realize that she was holding on to the last one even tighter than she was holding her sleeve to her face (what was she doing, wiping her nose with it?).

"Apache, would you mind taking charge of Lilynette? I will take Loly and Menoly if you do," said Harribel, "because _this operation must succeed. _I will not have my pride soiled and do nothing about it!"

"Yes, Harribel-sama," they all responded instantly, and set off to do their appointed missions.

A few minutes later Sun-Sun was leading an infuriated (hey, any woman would have been angry if you told her you expected a fork-haired and gigantic stature) Neliel to the location she had been at a few minutes ago. Some of Nel's anger dissipated into curiosity as she watched Sun-Sun walk over to a telephone booth (huh? Telephone booth? Since when had Aizen installed telephone booths?) and press a few buttons in a seemingly random order. She was _damn _surprised when the large, bungled structure sort of fell away into the ground and a _damn _elevator came up in its place. "This way, please," said Sun-Sun, in an impossibly demure tone. Neliel did not say a word, and her eyes told nothing of whatever she was feeling. They were as level and expressionless as they had always been. Silently she followed the Fraccion into the queer box.

Inoue Orihime had been sitting quietly in the sofa Aizen had provided, as was her custom now. She was blankly staring out the little window in the wall. Suddenly there was the sound of footsteps, heavy and laid-back. _Ulquiorra's are light and uniform… who is this? _She did not have time to answer herself. The door burst open to reveal… pink panties with Chappy designs?

Then Inoue realized someone was wearing the pink panties under a skirt, and she had had a full view of them only because the someone had kicked open the door with full force. She looked up to see a dark-skinned woman.

In a relatively short period of time, they were amiably chatting away on the burdens of large boobies on the back. Then the Arrancar, who had identified herself as Mila Rose blew a large hole in the wall by kicking it.

Inoue hoped no perverts were lurking outside.

The she followed Mila Rose silently and watched cautiously as she came to a wall which had two twin holes in them, quite deep. Now Inoue watched horrified as the Mila Rose woman… thrust her breasts in it? The holes began to glow and a screen appeared that said: ACCESS GRANTED. MILA ROSE. A panel appeared in the space next to the holes, rectangular, and fell away rather like a sort of moat. Mila Rose entered, and gestured for her to do the same.

_Arrancar. Who can understand them?_

****

Apache was to take care of Lilynette, and she was not finding it an easy job. For starters, she barely knew the girl! Hell, she barely knew _anything _about _anybody _in all of Aizen-be-damned Las Noches!

Well, Harribel-sama's orders were orders. If she was lucky, Starrk would be asleep and Lilynette would be a good girl.

She never had been the lucky one.

A few minutes of conversation led to Lilynette saying: "What the f*** does that mean, you b**ch?"

Youngsters. What could you do with them?

Harribel walked over slowly to the place where she could feel Loly and Menoly's reiatsu. She hoped they would be good, or, if worse came to worst, find something to bribe them with.

She kicked the door open and said, in that particular calm way of hers, a _very _serious expression on her face, "I'll get you both Victoria's Secret underwear if you come with me," "We agree," they replied, not even turning to see who was offering them the treat.

_Well, _thought Harribel, _that was easy._

Now the small room the ladies had occupied earlier in the day was buzzing with activity, and the seats were filled, all but one. "I've gathered you all here," said Harribel, "to propose a new idea. Before we begin, I'd like you to hear what Apache has to say,"

The said Fraccion stood up from her seat with a sheaf of papers in hand, and began, "Thank you, Harribel-sama. I'm about to give you all a report of the utmost secrecy." Everyone became more alert. "This is about a secret organization in Soul Society, called…" Apache said, and everyone was hanging on to every word she was saying, "…the Shinigami Women's Association," Apache further explained (ignoring how everyone had toppled off their seats with disappointment), "It is an organization consisting solely of women, and our Lady thinks that we should have one as well. For a certain _purpose_," said Apache.

"Now we would like to ask you if you are interested in joining. We assure you, it will be _worth your while. _Of course, the Lady, I, Mila Rose and Sun-Sun are already members,_" _continued Apache.

The entire audience was intrigued. How often did a chance like this come flying into your hands like that? Nel raised her hand. "I accept. I would like to join," she said. Lilynette was second to agree, followed by Inoue, Loly and finally Menoly. Apache shuffled the papers in her hand, and after a signal from Harribel said, "It's great everybody has accepted. Now in the SWA, the president is a small child-"

"Yeah! Then it's gotta be me!" said Lilynette, who had cut off Apache's flow of words. "We agree on that," said Apache, frowning, "and from the information gathered, it describes her as 'bratty, self-serving and completely useless. Only accepted cos her daddy could punch a hole through our boobies'. So the role suits you perfectly," she finished. Lilynette scowled.

"And moving on," Mila Rose began, picking up where Apache had left off, "the vice president. She's a cool, efficient woman who is very strict with the club, and puts duty before all else. So everyone has voted for Neliel Tu Odershvank for the job,"

Neliel was quite flattered.

And then Sun-Sun spoke: "Then there is the temporary vice-captain, who, in the SWA, is much more loyal to the captain, and follows instructions to the letter, sometimes with disastrous results. So, ex officio, the post, I suppose you can call it a 3rd Seat, goes to Boo- I mean, Inoue Orihime," she had been about to say, ''. Thank heavens she had stopped herself in time.

"Yay!" said Inoue, quite thrilled at the position.

"And so our first mission will be…" Harribel began…

It was a sunny day (as always). Aizen was sitting in his room (consuming his umpteenth cup of tea), instead of his throne for a change. He was pondering deeply over a completely baffling problem. In recent days, his third Espada, along with the Fraccion, Loly, Menoly, Boo-the human prisoner and his ex-third Espada had been spending every moment of the time together, and many a time Aizen had caught some of them giggling away like schoolgirls. _What is their problem? _

Wait, why was he even thinking about this? He had better things to do than think about some women's problems! He was Aizen, for God's sake! No wait, he _was _God… so, yeah, for his sake!

Suddenly a delicious drowsiness began to creep over him. No, he shouldn't sleep now, it wasn't bedtime yet! The drowsiness only intensified. _Oh well, _he thought, _a few minutes won't hurt. _

He would soon realize the exact opposite.

"Great idea, President, about drugging his tea! As expected!" Lilynette grinned at the unexpected praise. "So, let's do it!" they all said. The entire Arrancar Women's Association was present. They crept in without fear of being detected.

They all took put their respective weapons, Nel with a green one, Harribel with a yellow one, Apache with a brown one, and all the others with many other colors. They flashed grins at each other, and had Aizen been awake, he would have run for the hills, screaming that the Devils were after him. Sun-Sun wondered if he'd take his tea.

Now they leaned over his body, spread out on the bed, unconscious, and began their first mission as a team.

Aizen woke up the next morning and felt weird. He shrugged it off and blamed it on the new brand of tea Ichimaru had had him drink. He looked in his mirror to see… oh _shit._

His entire face was covered with _doodles _of _various colors, _and on his chest there was a drawing of none other than _Mickey Mouse _himself. And he was bald. Well and completely bald. The light glinted off his head like that 5th or 6th Seat from Zaraki's squad.

He slumped to the ground in a dead faint.

**So, how was it? I have the ideas for three more chapters, but I wanted to get this one out first since it's for a fan… ;) Thank you for reading! Look forward to the next update, probably on Thursday. It's about none other than Ulquiorra! **


	4. Ulquiorra

**Hellooooo~ it's me again! Enjoy the chapter! Next update on Thursday…**

****

Ulquiorra coughed violently- as had been happening for a few minutes now, but instead of subsiding in intensified. Oh, how his throat burned!

By all the gods and Aizen, what was happening to him?

Now he was on his knees. What a horrible feeling it was! He wished he could die and be released from this pain… what bliss it would be…

Somewhere behind him, he could hear Inoue Orihime screaming as she panicked. Her screams attracted Szayel Aporro, who was with Apache. The two had been seen together a lot more lately. Apache took one look at Ulquiorra, where he was slumped in a pathetic mess on the floor, and aid, in a panicked sort of voice, "What's happened to him?"

"I don't know… All I did was-"

Her words were cut off by yet another cough. "Save it for later. I'll take him to be treated." Szayel said.

Two days later, after Ulquiorra Schiffer, the Fourth Espada was sufficiently well enough to write a report, Aizen sat on his throne and read what Ulquiorra had written.

…_I deeply apologize for my unseemly behavior two days ago, and I would like to state the cause herein. It was-_

"Aizen-taichou! Whatcha doin'?" Ichimaru Gin's voice cut him off. "Not now, Gin. I'm busy," With a scowl, the ex-captain turned away to leave, and Aizen resumed reading the letter:

…_Inoue Orihime's Ginger Ketchup Watermelon Curry with Absurd Amounts of Sake. I would not recommend you to try it._

…what the f***?


	5. Tousen

**Okay! My principal decided to stop being a b*c*h and gave us the Sunday off… so here I am! Read on, this time about Tousen…**

"Ladies and even more ladies, our first mission was a success! I congratulate you on your excellent handiwork!" said Lilynette, who was taking her position as president very seriously. Harribel was the Supervising Chairwoman, but she didn't assert her authority much, so Lilynette quit consider her as a threat to her 'position of power'.

"Now, does anybody have anything that is worthy of the Arrancar Women's Association's notice?" she continued, and looked around expectantly. She was very pleased when Apache raised her hand from where she was seated, eating something out of a bag. "Yes, Apache?" "Well, I ain't sure if this is true or not. Something I saw made me suspect it…" said Apache, and broke off to take another mouthful of the disgusting substance. They all waited patiently for her to finish chewing and swallowing. It was quite absurd, Apache seemed to be drinking the thing instead of eating it, and the gunk in the bag _looked _solid enough. So was that possible? Or was Apache defying the Laws of Food?

"Well, it's about the Tousen bastard… he's always creeped me out, you know? Hello, have you seen his hair? It's all matted, like he hasn't heard of this invention called a comb! And his…" Apache continued, relentlessly stripping Tousen Kaname of every fragment of dignity he had ever appeared to possess.

Somewhere in the large buildings Aizen had built, said ex-captain violently sneezed. "I wonder which woman chooses to think of me…" he muttered, and went to fetch off a bunch of tissues. He could feel a violent bout of sneezing coming on.

"Apache," said Harribel, effectively stopping the seemingly never ending falls from grace of Aizen's subordinate, "why are you speaking ill of a blind man?" Apache seized upon the point with quite unparalleled vigor. "That's exactly my point, Harribel-sama! _Tousen's not blind!_"

"…what? Of course Tousen is blind. He wouldn't wear that creepy eye cover if he wasn't." said Loly. "I think you're touched in the head," said Menoly. "No, see, any sane man would've chosen something less of a burden to cover his eyes, like cloth or straw or broken glass or something. But he's chosen steel! Steel! Can you imagine why? No? Well, let me tell you," said Apache.

The rest of the AWA watched on, horrorstruck, as Apache unloaded the most unbelievable story they'd heard in their entire lives. And that was saying something.

AxFEWxMINUTESxAFTERxAPACHE'SxSPEECH

"That man… I never realized he was hiding something so treacherous under his justice bullcrap…" said a very enraged Harribel. Who knew Harribel could cuss?

"However likely the possibly may be, I cannot accept it without proof," said Nel, who always managed to retain a clear head (obviously, all that was in flew out through the hallow hole, duh).

"Exacta!" said Apache, and then frowned. Obviously she'd been hanging with Findor too much. "So let's get some proof! I have the beginnings of a plan in my head. The rest of you can help me refine it," she said.

_**LATER~~~**_

It was now time for Tousen Kaname to be safely asleep in his bed. The Arrancar Women's Association walked on tiptoe in unison, armed with nothing except their bare fists. They were not here to cause damage. Really. No, really really. They were here to find out proof.

Slowly they crept into the room Tousen occupied, and everyone breathed a breath of relief when the saw Tousen's slumbering figure on the twin sized bed in the room. "Okay, Apache, this was your idea. You go first," said Mila Rose. Apache nodded, by means of a yes, and reached a hand out for the steel band that covered said shinigami's eyes. She slowly got a grip on it, and started inching it forward bit by bit.

Suddenly, with no warning, Tousen stirred. Orihime panicked and shoved her overflowing assets into his face. To everyone's surprise, instead of suffocating and dying horribly, Tousen actually calmed down and stopped his restless stirring. "Okay, what the hell'd you do to him?" asked Lilynette, somewhat miffed she couldn't have done that as her chest was flatter than Aizen's chest. "That's a secret," said Inoue, "Matsumoto-san and I discovered it," she finished.

"Get on with it, Apache," said Sun-Sun.

She made haste, pulled out the steel thing from his eyes, and gasped with the others to find a strip of snow-white skin there… Las Noches' sun had tanned him terribly! She put the glasses on to see if the theory of hers was right… and it was! Oh, the bastard!

Silently the covering was passed around, and looks of identical fury covered the faces of those who had seen what the thing did. "I acknowledge the proof presented," began Neliel, when every member had seen the eye band, "and as vice-president of the Arrancar Women's Association, I hereby command: attack!"

Soon the small kits all members of the AWA kept hidden either between their cleavages or under their skirts were fished out, and the group began working with unparalleled zeal and zest.

The next morning, Aizen was shocked to find Kaname of all people with absurd amounts of lipstick and lip gloss on his lips, I AM AIZEN'S GAY LOVER AND HE HAS A **VERY **NICE ASS written in bold red lipstick on the back of his white Arrancar uniform, and pink powder sloshed on to his face in such a way it made him think it was Szayel or Kurotsuchi's human experiment without skin.

"I'm feeling kinda sorry for him," said Inoue. Mila Rose replied, "Don't. I think he got what he deserved. Watching porn pictures of the Las Noches women leads to that."

**Sooooo, how was it? I worked hard to get this out so soon~~~ So who should the next chapter be about?**


	6. Aizen 2

Grimmjow Jaggerjacques walked leisurely along the wide, seemingly never ending hallways of Las Noches. Suddenly he came upon a door that was only _partly _closed. Now, it isn't often you get such an amazing phenomenon as that! A half-open door! What cunning was in place here! The elusive, mysterious lone ray of light piercing through, the suggestive, almost beckoning angle… what else could poor Grimmjow do but peek in?

He did just that.

Unfortunately, the next moment he fell down flat on his face, on the brink of a cardiac arrest but definitely with a few heart palpitations. He was unable to even twitch an eyelid (quite irritating, the way he had fallen with his eyes open). Thankfully, the Espada Szayel Aporro Granz came strolling around, and what should he find but pitiful Grimmjow, stuck in a dead faint, with his eyes open?

"A _most _interesting place to have a heart attack…" said he, and ordered a stretcher to examine the nearly-dead Grimmjow.

The next day, word had spread like wildfire. And hence it had reached none other than the Arrancar Women's Association. "I find it most interesting! Let's see what was enough to scare our powerful Grimmy to deathhhhhh~" said a cheerful Apache. Most out of character for her, but nowadays she was always like that. Especially after returning from a certain pink haired Espada's quarters.

"I propose we check it out," said Mila Rose. "But should we? I mean, as _Espada _got scared to the point of a heart attack you know…" said a thoughtful Inoue Orihime. "How about this," suggested Loly, "we go check up on Grimmjow, and _then _we go check out the scene of crime. Espadas heal fast. He'll tell us what it was," "And anyways, Harribel-sama is the _Third Espada. _She don't get scared of anything," said Mila Rose. Harribel uncomfortably looked away. There _were _some things she feared, like Zommari's underpants, and she didn't like to say she was invincible.

"Fine. Let's check out Grimmjow," said Menoly, after an unanimous vote.

AT SZAYEL'S HIDEY HOLE i MEAN LABORATORY

"Really, I fail to see what business you have at my laboratory," said Szayel. He was amazed to see such a gathering of Arrancar and a human. He hated the ruckus they would cause. "Let us see Grimmjow, Granz," said Harribel, and of course there was no way he could disobey that, she was of a rank worlds apart from him. "Very well," he replied, begrudgingly, "he is here," the scientist pointed to a door that no one had noticed before, partly because it was built into the wall. "Thank you," said Inoue, always the one with the best manners.

"Grimmjow was lying on a bad, and the whole room was rather like a hospital room. He was unconscious. _Very _fragile and delicate. "Hey, get up, Grimmy!" said Apache, slapping him for all she was worth.

His heart beat dipped.

"Come on, come on," said Loly and Menoly, two twin goddesses of disaster. The pulled at his feet, and if Grimmjow had been awake, he would have screamed: "THOU SHALT NOT HAVE MY MANHOOD, THY DEVILS!"

His heart beat dipped even lower.

Mila Rose jumped up and down on his stomach, like he was made up of elastic or something. Her high heels dug most painfully into his stomach.

His heart beat dipped _dangerously _low.

And all of a sudden he snapped into painful consciousness. "Ah, he's awake!" said Orihime, standing by his side wearing a Nurse's uniform that she had gotten from Szayel's wardrobe. The others didn't even want to _think _why Szayel would have such an atrocity (which included a skirt, thank you very much) in his wardrobe.

"Right, Grimmy, let's get straight to the point here. What scared you so bad that you peed your pants?" said Apache. _Those _images flickered through Grimmjow's mind, and once again he slumped down with a few more heart palpitations.

The entire above stated process was repeated.

"Is it safe for us to go see what is behind that door?" Suddenly, with a newfound burst of energy, Grimmjow frantically shook his head from side to side, obviously saying _NO._

The AWA left him to his fate.

"Come on we gotta see it! I'm dying to!" said Mila Rose. The rest of the group agreed. And so it came to be that the group passed to the same hallways, saw the same door, peeked through in the same way, and… fell down in the same way.

And _once again, _Szayel to the rescue!

"Heart palpitations… this human has even gone into cardiac arrest…" muttered Szayel.

In a few months, Grimmjow was halfway recovered, and on repeated prodding, revealed the following particulars:

"I told them not to, I did, and it's a horrifying sight it is…" Grimmjow sobbed.

"What is?" asked Szayel.

"Aizen without makeup is!"


	7. Starrk

**Yessss! It's summer vacation time, so be expecting a horde of updatesssssss~~~**

Tia Harribel sat on one of the numerous chairs surrounded by the endless array of reading materials. The library.

You see, the reason Harribel was there was because a sudden idea had struck her; being the chairwoman of the Arrancar Women's Association, she was responsible for the safety of its members. And so she was here reading up on the Espada, their strengths, weaknesses, in case any of them would attack the AWA. She had started from the tenth Espada, and mentally ticked off the names as she read through the illustrated book. The dossiers of Yammy, Aaroniero, Szayel, Zommari, Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Ulquiorra, herself, Barragan, Starrk and finally Aizen himself flew past when a certain thought struck Harribel.

Slowly she again went through three certain profiles.

Promptly the cup of tea Harribel had ingested spewed out of her mouth in a disgusting mess. Wiping a hand across her mouth, Harribel slowly exclaimed, in the voice of one who is putting up great efforts to keep her sanity intact, "This- this _blasphemy _is- must be-" she trailed off. She knew what she should do with the mind boggling secret she had discovered.

Back in the AWA, the room had been kept open for any ladies who wanted to peruse it. Now Harribel climbed into it, and pressed a very conspicuous, very indiscreet red button in the middle of the looooong table and sat down. In a matter of seconds, all the seats except that irritating one that was always unfilled were occupied with their respective members. "You rang?" said Inoue Orihime, sweetly.

"Yes," she said. Now she had regained some of her composure and her wits were above her, so she was able to distinctly tell the others the _horrifying tragedy _she had just read of.

"I'd like to start with a question," she said, "Do we all agree that Starrk is _the most powerful _Espada amongst us?" "Yes," came the reply in unison.

"BUT! Then why is it always Barragan who is- was the king of Las Noches before pretty bo- I mean, Aizen-sama came to the place?" "Because… Starrk didn't exist?" offered Lilynette, weakly.

"EXACTLY! He didn't exist! So why is it that he so _conveniently _pops up a few months after Aizen's arrival?" "Because… Aizen created him?" once more Lilynette spoke up, a teensy bit stronger.

"PRECISELY! But just _how _did Aizen create him? The Hougyoku was not yet awakened even to a quarter! So how did Tom Cruise- I mean, Aizen-sama create our Starrk?" asked Harribel, in such a state of enthusiasm no one had ever seen her in before. This time no one, not even Lilynette, attempted to answer.

"HENCE! I'll tell you," Harribel said, and once more started with a question. "Has anyone else noticed how Starrk has the lines that tell of a middle aged man on his face?" she said. Once more the members replied with a 'yes'. "And we have all noticed his brown hair? Which is also long?" said Harribel once more. "Yes again," said everybody.

"Let me tell you why that is so…" whispered Harribel, and the members watched on, barely daring to believe their ears, as Harribel gave them the life history of Starrk…

A few days later, as Aizen was drinking yet another cup of his never ending tea, a letter came through to him.

_Dear Aizen Sousuke-sama, _

_This letter comes from the AWA hoping to find you in good health. We have discovered a certain event in which the blame falls on you, and you alone shall have to atone and pay for the consequences. We do not understand why, of everyone else, you chose Barragan for-_

"Aizen-taichou! I'm hungryyyyyyyy, and Tousen won' let me eat the chocolate chip cookies with the barbies on them… so I got one o' the Arrancar to use a Cero on him. That okay wi' you?" asked a very maniac, very sugar rushed Gin. His smile was even wider, and defied the Laws of Physics by stretching out bigger than his face could.

Aizen ducked as Gin swerved to the right, causing the walls of Aizen's throne room to crumble dangerously as Gin's smile rubbed against them. "Ouchie, dat hurt…." said Gin, and dashed off, presumably to find another stash of Aizen's Barbie Chocolate Chip Cookies and Cupcakes. Which he secretly favored very, very much.

Aizen resumed his letter. As he read on to the end of it, two gay Arrancar peeked through his door.

They witnessed Aizen turn violently green, purple, red and just about every color of the rainbow, after which he threw up every last ounce of food he had eaten ever since he had been Shinji Hirako's vice captain (really, have you _ever _seen a bathroom in Las Noches? They're non-existent!).

"Kaname," he said, in a shaky voice but still smiling, "I will not tolerate such things written about me." The ex-captain had come in still very beaten up when he heard shrieks of two male Arrancar who had once tried to 'feel Tousen up'. (Tousen mistook them for blind like himself).

"I- I do not know if you've noticed it, Aizen-sama… but it does look certainly true… I mean, the features… and the- hair…" Tousen trailed off as he felt it was wise to hold his tongue now, unless he wanted his rear end handed to him on a platter.

"Kaname," he said calmly, but if you looked realllly (past that little pimple he tried to hide with make-up) close, you could see that he was simply boiling with rage, "I will say this once more," he continued…

And in the AWA quarters, Sung-Sun stated calmly, "He's still in denial." Mila Rose said, "I dunno why. I mean, you think it was a one time thing or something?" "You wouldn't think he's hate it so much…" said Menoly. "Huh? Hate what so much?" asked Loly, who had been dragged here while still a sleepy mess, courtesy of Menoly.

Harribel replied, "That Starrk is Barragan and Aizen's love child, of course!"


	8. Aizen 3

It was a hot, hot day. Even for the daily warm weather of Las Noches, today was simply _unbearable. _But anyhow the brave little Espada Zommari Leroux was venturing out for a little walk. He was walking his walk and thinking his thoughts when he saw something.

_Amazing!_

"This- this is- simply amazing!" said Zommari to himself, because it was totally normal for gay black guys to talk to themselves. Immediately all pretenses that Aizen had been even anything close to a king- or a god even fell away. _This _thing he was seeing before him was the real thing.

Quickly he put some flowers in a circle around his new deity, because it was also totally normal for gay black guys to carry flowers in their pockets. He sat down outside the makeshift worshipping circle and began chanting strange verses, because it was _also _totally normal for gay black guys to have a pocketbook full of verses to glorify your deity.

_Oh, thou is bountiful and merciful, With thy rivers flowing broad and free, And as gay men battle with straight men hateful, I gaily worship theeeeeeeeee,_

He sang loudly and clearly, for once enjoying himself immensely. The stiff, stick-up-my-ass demeanor of the other Espada did not amuse him at all.

Somewhere else, more precisely inside the fake sun Aizen had created, Tousen grumbled to himself, because he was a gay black guy as well. He groped around for a screwdriver. Aizen, too lazy to do any of the dirty work himself, and also because Aizen couldn't risk his new manicure being damaged, had ordered Tousen to fix the sun. The continual complaints of the temperature finally made Aizen's seated butt shoot into action.

Finally, Tousen managed to find a screw driver and also the damn thermostat. He quickly changed the temperature from SCALD-THE-SKIN to TAN-A-MAN. And then he packed up his tools and left for the giaaaaaant ladder that brought him back to Las Noches.

Zommari, always the perceptive one, noticed the change in temperature. Unfortunately, though, he did not see the ladder Tousen was using, and attributed the sudden bearableness of the temperature to a drop in the wrath of his deity, who Zommari thought had been angry no-one had been worshipping it.

Soon Yammy came along, happy for the regulation of temperature, and encountered Zommari, in the process of completing a _very_ complex ritual, which involved standing up on his head, and jumping up and down while singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' three times.

"Zommari, whatcha doin' that in front of a-"

"SHHHH! My Lord will get angry!"

"Your Lord? But that's just a-"

"SHHHH! Can't you see? My Lord is not controlled by anything! In the scalding heat he was unaffected and in the pouring rain he will remain unaffected. Even Aizen cannot do that! Cower in fear of him!"

Yammy, always the bright one, took this slowly in his head, and his feeble and dying brain accepted what Zommari said as the gospel truth. "Okay, I get ya," he said, "I wanna worship him too!" said Yammy, and plopped down beside Zommari who by now had finished his ritual and was sitting cross-legged. The two Espada sat facing each other. Zommari nodded his acceptance of a fellow believing brother and picked out another hymn from his pocketbook.

_We brothers worship day and night Sincere we are, yet cower in fright For the Espadas have a stick up their ass But our Lord will change them to a lass_

So done with the shabby hymn, they both started doing absurd rituals once more. And then Nnoitra came along.

"The f*** are you two doing in front of a-"

"SHHHH! Our Lord must not be disturbed!"

"Your f***ing Lord is a f***ing-"

"SHHH!"

The same inspiring speech was repeated to Nnoitra who cowered in fear when he heard how the Lord had changed the temperature of Las Noches with a single prayer. He was accepted as another brother in the religion now aptly named Piedraism, a combination of a Spanish word and the English part being the 'ism'.

Three brothers sang another song unfit for public view.

And so it came to be that Grimmjow, Gin, Szayel, Starrk, Barragan, Ulquiorra and even Aaroniero were roped in to becoming Piedra-ists. They all sat around their honored and loved deity, chanting absurd hymns from Zommari's pocketbook.

When Aizen got up from a quick snooze in his throne, he was surprised to find no-one around, and even had to get his cushioned ass to move around in search of someone. He searched Szayel's lab, the hallways, everywhere, and yet no sign!

(In case you're wondering, the AWA are safely in their headquarters, which is on top of Szayel's lab, like the SWA's headquarters are in Kuchiki Byakuya's mansion.)

So Aizen finally came upon all his Espada, and his two fallen shinigami, sitting around a-

"Oh, look, it's Aizen-sama," said the monotone voice of Ulquiorra, doing a ritual that could not be described without mentally assaulting a person.

"Hello, Aizen-sama, join us!"

"Gin, what are you doing surrounding a-"

"You're not our Lord anymore, this is our Lord, you pansy!"

"Ulquiorra, I command you to stop doing that in front of a-"

"This Lord of ours is superior above all else, heat does not affect him, nor does the cold!"

"Kaname, I order you to-"

"All praise the Lord!"

And then finally the great Aizen Sousuke finally lost his patience and cut their 'Lord' into a thousand little pieces.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they said.

"Serves you right for worshipping such a stupid thing," said Aizen, regaining his own stick-up-my-ass attitude.

Everybody thought the same thing:

Out there, somewhere, where the remnants of that which they had worshipped moments ago… Somewhere out in the vast deserts of Las Noches were the remnants of the_ Rock._

**Thank you for reading! Read my story, Entangled, even if it is a crack pairing, and above all else, REVIEW~~~**


	9. Grimmjow

**A/N: I realize this chapter is too short, but personally I'm thankful for at least this piece of inspiration, seeing as how I've had virtually none for a long, long time… Anyways, enjoy!**

Grimmjow repeatedly banged his head against the wall, trying to wrap his mind around the horrifying piece of information that he had just realized. He was in complete and utter denial.

_No, no, no… This can't be… It's just too awful for words…_

He tried to say _that _and prove to himself the news wasn't true.

_Yeah, no way it's true… probably just a prank…_

Unfortunately, our dear Grimmy only proved the news true.

"Oh, no. I need to go see Granz…" he said, and rushed off.

At his laboratory, Szayel Aporro Granz was having the time of his life dissecting a rat fused with an elephant then fused with the baby of a giraffe and squirrel. So it was reluctantly that he got up to answer the irritating knock on the door.

_It's certainly not Nnoitra, or Harribel… probably Grimmjow, _Szayel decided to himself, judging solely from the frenzied knocking on the chrome-steel reinforced doors.

Grimmjow jumped in, pushed Szayel away, and then securely snapped the door shut. As if he was afraid of something.

"What?" asked Szayel, not pleased with this unexpected 'guest's' behavior at all.

"I need a favor," he stated, clean and simple.

"No."

"_Please."_

"No."

"I'll owe you one!"

"No."

Grimmy groaned. "Fine, I'll get you the latest Barbie doll and accessories, with the hair dye."

"Deal."

"Thank Heavens. Anyway, this is what I need…"

Two hours later, all the Espada, and some of their fraccion, were gathered outside to observe the spectacle that was a large white building with walls of glass. The colossal size, however, was not what everyone was looking at. They were looking on as the sexta espada Grimmjow appeared to ask the many young new vasto lords a question, and then he cero'd them off. The soundproof walls did not let a sound escape.

Inside, Grimmjow almost feverishly asked the next weak kneed vasto lord, a part of the exequias, the same question he had asked the last hundred or so arrancar. The fool opened his mouth to reply.

"J- Jaggerjaquez, Jaggerjaquez, Jaggerez- no, wait-" said the arrancar, but his protests were silenced by a massive cero.

_I think that one pissed his pants, _thought Aaroniero from outside the glass room.

Inside the room, the same question had been put to the next rookie.

"Jaggerjaquez, Jaggerquack-quack, oh shi-"

Another cero.

"What the hell is the man trying to do?" wondered Apache out loud.

"Oh, him?" Szayel responded to the lady who he had been sighted together with many a time in the past few weeks…

"He's just trying, in vain may I add, to prove to his feeble brain that he _hasn't _got an unpronounceable last name."


End file.
